I don’t bash reboots of things I love unless they commit unforgivable crimes against canon.
I’ve decided to watch the 2016 MacGyver.
Ladies and gentlemen, before we begin: compare.
Even MacGyver is shocked.
However, I am a reasonable woman: I’ll give it ten minutes, starting… now!
- There’s only one episode of this and I can see why.
- You said his first name. Out loud. In the voiceover. No, you don’t get it, he hates his first name, it wasn’t mentioned until literally the last episode. (I grant that having the voiceover is a nice nod to the original series.)
- New man, you appear to be wearing a tuxedo without complaining about it. Instantly outed as an impostor.
- Wrong Swiss Army Knife – that’s a Climber, he’s never had one of those. I mean, he’s used basically everything else, but… also it’s too new and shiny.
- Waitwaitwait. They genderswapped Pete for gosh sakes.
- And why are we back in the DXS? What happened to Phoenix?
- There is not… there is not a team. Mac usually works on his own, and also Jack Dalton has never been officially anything except a nuisance, much less a DXS agent.
- Mac doesn’t speak Italian, he barely speaks Spanish!
- Is that – is that packing tape? Is this a reboot or a spoof?
- They are doing the Sherlock thing with the little words on the screen. The original Mac used to just explain what he was doing as he went, and I loved it; it was like being there with him and having the little comments just tossed your way as things happened.
- I grant that the first MacGyverism would work, but it doesn’t work… quite like that.
- The episode is the right length.
- The accent is foul and completely wrong.
- Enough with the secret-agent music already – wrong style.
- Honey, that stunt with the handprint-scanner has been done, and the first guy did it waaaay better than you could ever hope to.
- You may not reuse a MacGyverism!!! We all know how it works, now, so the magic’s completely gone. Also if you say the word ‘biometrics’ we will not believe a single ‘nother thing you say about fingerprints.
- Since when can even MacGyver recognize the gauge of stainless steel just by touching it?
- Um… no, sweetie, no, that tray will not stop a bullet. You will die and I will be really happy because they will have to recast and might do a better job this time.
- …Neither will the sofa, so I don’t know what you hope to achieve by diving behind it.
- Villain-bashing: nobody with two brain cells to rub together will a) try to fire two pistols simultaneously b) drop out both magazines at once c) not have a spare magazine literally in his hand when he drops out the first d) all kriffing three, are you insane???
- MacGyver does not swear. Not ever, never, never, no.
- Oh, and may I expect to see opening credits any time soon?
- The MacGyverism with using a cord to hold a steering wheel has also been done. Also, you lose any respect I may have retained for you, for the crime of mentioning chewing gum in the same breath as the words ‘broken fuel line’. MacGyver would know that wouldn’t work. You don’t appear to.
- The explosion was appropriate, and sensitively handled. That haircut is not.
- Jack is missing two very vital components, to wit, a sense of humor and a mustache.
- In that light, for half an instant, you kind of, almost looked like him. But you don’t.
- What did you just call the villain? That is another example of language Mac would not use!
Thank you for watching this rank cesspit of horror and the general murder of one of your favorite characters of all time… your ten minutes… are up!