Nasriel – 17BBY

Although this is posting on February first, I won’t know about it. I’m skipping February first altogether, courtesy of the International Date Line. I leave England late on January 31, and arrive in New Zealand, some hours later, midday February second. Which is why I posted it today: this way I will never have to live through the day I kill Qui-Gon Jinn in a story.
Everybody… I’m truly sorry. I couldn’t avoid this, but I hope it’s – at least a little – easier to swallow than the other version.

Vape it – kark it – skeg. Ani, I know the brake compressor was in here before, so why won’t it go in now? Well, if you’re the expert, you do it. Oh. Right. Like that. And yeah, I’m all black oil streaks. It’ll wash off. Tahl won’t notice, and I bet Qui-Gon and Bruck don’t get back today.

It’s not right. Oh, hydrospanner – over there. I shouldn’t even be here. I should be with Qui-Gon. Last trip looking for Master Dooku, and the trip before that, and the one before that, I went along, no problems. This time he’s taking Bruck to help. He doesn’t think I can do it. I’ve tackled Dooku before, back when I was only a kid. But it’s like he doesn’t trust me.

Or, as you say, it could be that he’s just trying to keep me safe. What if I don’t want that? What if I don’t care if I’m safe, as long as I’m with Qui-Gon? Yeah… it’s a Master’s duty to try and prevent his Padawan dying before knighthood, but I’m no more than a year away from that now.

Doesn’t make it any easier being left behind. I guess… it’s not so much that I feel he doesn’t trust me, as I’m worried for him. You remember the time he had that heart attack. Force, I was scared. I thought we’d lost him for sure. And now I’m always afraid of it happening again. Xan’s coming; he’s worried about something. What’s up, Xanatos?

Oh, that’s wonderful! When did they get in? Sure, if Qui-Gon sent you to find me – I’ll come just as soon as I get this grease off my hands. Two minutes, okay?

Wh-why is two minutes too long? Xan? There’s something awful in your expression. I – oh-h-h. No, it’s – Xanatos, no. Tell me you’re joking. Tell me you didn’t just say Qui-Gon is dying.

I’m coming. I’m coming. Just – is – is there any hope at all? No. Right. Dooku – sorry, who killed Dooku? Oh, Bruck. Is Bruck okay? Good.

I’m sorry, say again. Chancellor Palpatine is the Sith Lord we’re after. And… you’re sure. So sure that Obi-Wan’s gone with Master Windu to arrest the guy. Does Obi-Wan know about Qui-Gon – oh. Well, he’s always the first to know everything. Still, I kinda wish… it didn’t have to be this that was the first time he heard about something after I did.

Well, here we are. I always hated the medcenter. Disliked the medcenter. Yes, Master Che, I understand. Yes, I’ll be quiet. Thank you, Master Che.

Qui-Gon? Master? It’s me, Nasriel. You – you sent Xanatos to get me. He –

He said –

I’m not crying, Master! Okay, I am. I should know better than to try and fool you. What even happened, anyway? I should have been there.

Dooku… that creeping bastard. Force, if Bruck hadn’t killed him – yes, I am angry! I know, Qui-Gon, you’ve told me. A Jedi knows not anger. I’m sorry. But –

I know nobody lives forever. I’m not asking for forever: I just wish… you could see me knighted. I so wanted to do something – anything – to make you proud of me. And now there’s not time left.

Don’t – I’m all over toxic engine grease. Master Che had fifty fits, but I guess it doesn’t make much difference anymore.

Your hands are so cold.

Stupid – there’re a thousand things I was saving up to tell you when you got home, and I can’t remember a single one of them. I already said I wasn’t crying. If you keep telling me everything’s going to be fine, though, I will. Nothing is ever going to be fine again.

You really are all that important to me, yes. Is that a problem? I love you; I don’t want to lose you.

No – if you’re dying then at least let me follow you. Please, Qui-Gon. I know it takes more courage to live than to die, you’ve told me that too. But I don’t have all that much courage.

I hope you’re wrong. I wish you were wrong. But if you say it’s time for final orders, well. You’re the Master.

Yes, I will live. Yes, I will try to discourage Tahl from doing anything rash after you’ve gone. Yes… if you insist I will accept Xanatos’s offer of training.

I love you. Thanks for everything. No – you’ve got nothing to apologize for. I – goodbye, Master. May the Force be with you.

It’s okay, Master Che. You don’t have to tell me. I can feel our Force bond dissolving. It… hurts. Would you excuse me, please?

***

Where have I been the last hour? I’ve been hiding, Xanatos. Mostly from my own grief, partly from other people’s sympathy, because I don’t know which hurts more. I don’t know how to handle it right now. No, I won’t open the door.

At present I am sitting on my bed curled up in Qui-Gon’s old cloak, and I am crying. Because Qui-Gon is dead and because I love him. No, I don’t mean loved. Love is in the present tense, Xan, you know that. Please leave me alone. Please don’t tell me about the terrible mission you were involved in that ended up completely fine. I don’t think I believe in happy endings just at the moment.

I’m sorry.

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About coruscantbookshelf

"A writer is an introvert: someone who wants to tell you a story but doesn't want to have to make eye contact while doing it." - Adapted from John Green
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10 Responses to Nasriel – 17BBY

  1. cries Dooku, the bloody son of a kriffing monkey lizard! grabs Cap’s shield and slams it into Dooku’s head, repeatedly This is so sad! :’-(

    Like

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